This year’s AFC Title Game featured a heavyweight matchup between the Baltimore Ravens and the New England Patriots. After a heated pregame debate regarding the use of the word “says” in the rock-paper-scissors game to decide who gets first pick, the two teams eventually settled their differences and picked teams. Yet this momentary peace was short-lived as the Ravens controversially picked Jake “Meister Island” Meister over Aaron Hernandez (aka Sam Payette).
More drama ensued when the teams could not come to a consensus on the size of the field or the rules of the game itself. The debate raged on for what seemed like hours. The ever-emotional Ray Lewis (aka David Berk) expressed his discontent with the entire process when he yelled, “Each and every one of you is the stupidest person I have ever met.” Following this fierce display of emotion, members of both teams seemed somewhat frightened and immediately came to an agreement.
But once the game started, the Patriots took control. David “Chuckles” Greenfield looked Brady-esque, completing 15 of 19 passes for 215 yards and six touchdowns, finishing the first half with near perfect 153.4 QBR. Chuckles’ main targets were TE Sam Payette (5 catches, 65 yards, 2 TD), WR Ryan Goodstadt (5 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD), and WR Jason Pfeffer (3 catches, 60 yards, and 2 TD). Sam Greenwald anchored the Pats’ D with 3 pass deflections and two more tackles.
It was a tale of two teams in the first half; the Patriots were running on all cylinders while the Ravens struggled to get going. At the beginning of their first drive, Ravens QB Zach Coleman called out Meister Island for his lack of awareness: “Meister, you’re standing in the end-zone you retard.” However the insults didn’t stop there. Meister Island dropped four passes in the first half, and it seemed as though every time that he came near the ball the Patriots would yell, “SICK PICK!” as if to mock the Ravens for foolishly picking Meister Island over Payette.
The lone highlights for the Ravens in the first half were a stunning 25-yard touchdown run by Coleman and a SC Top 10 interception by Berk.
The score at the end of the first half:
Patriots: 42
Ravens: 7
However, the second half told a different story. Because the game was such a blowout, the two teams decided to wipe the slate clean for the second half and start a completely new game.
The Ravens took advantage of their second chance and came out strong. They began to utilize their weapons on offense such as Torrey Smith (aka Brandon Baron), who caught five passes for 55 yards and a touchdown in the second half, yelling after every catch that he was “perfect” on the day.
Meister Island was the biggest turn around story of the game. After starting the game with an abysmal four drops, the Island focused more on his defensive talents, utilizing the “rogue blitz” to record seven sacks for a total loss of five yards.
Yet the biggest story of the second half was the QB change from Coleman to Berk when the Ravens were down 28 – 21. Berk led the Ravens offense with uncanny accuracy for a middle linebacker, completing 9 of 15 passes for 90 yards and three TDs.
The game came down to the wire, and it looked as though the Patriots were poised for another victory with the score tied at 35 and driving down the field. But with perhaps the play of the game, Coleman intercepted Chuckles’ pass and had a breath-taking return to the Patriots 5-yard line. The Patriots defense held strong for the first four downs, denying the Ravens at the goal-line, but on fourth down, Chuck got a severe leg-cramp, which not only crippled himself, but the entire Patriots defense. On fifth down Berk completed a pass to Baron in the end-zone, Baron still screaming “I’M PERFECT!!”
Final score of the second game:
Patriots: 35
Ravens: 42
Post-game interviews revealed more about the players and each respective team:
Baron: “What it do, what it do. I go to the gym erreday and it pays off. What it
do.”
Meister Island: “I started off slow, and I just needed some time to get going. I decided to take a backseat on offense and step up on defense. I’d also like to thank God. I love him; he’s awesome. When he looks down at me he really gets me, you know?”
Chuck: “I think we all know who the stronger team is… At the end of the day, some fluky stuff happened, and I think an asterisk should go next to that second game.”
Box Score:
Passing:
Patriots
Chuck: 29/41, 480 yards 11 TD, 2 INT
Ravens
Berk: 9/15, 105 yards 3 TD
Coleman: 15/31, 230 yards 4 TD, INT
Rushing:
Patriots:
Chuck: 1 carry, 10 yards
Ravens:
Berk: 3 carries, 35 yards
Coleman: 2 carries, 30 yards, TD
Receiving:
Patriots:
Goodstadt: 11 catches, 210 yards, 3 TD
Greenwald: 6 catches, 105 yards, 2 TD
Payette: 8 catches, 100 yards, 2 TD
Pfeffer: 5 catches, 80 yards, 4 TD
Ravens:
Baron: 6 catches, 75 yards, TD
Berk: 4 catches, 45 yards
Coleman: 4 catches, 70 yards, 2 TD
Meister: 2 catches, 40 yards
Ross: 8 catches, 115 yards, 3 TD
Defense:
Patriots:
Chuck: 3.5 tackles
Goodstadt: 9 tackles, INT
Greenwald: 7 tackles, INT
Payette: 8.5 tackles
Pfeffer: 8 tackles
Ravens:
Baron: 5 tackles
Berk: 8 tackles, INT
Coleman: 7 tackles, 2 INT
Meister: 10 tackles
Ross: 5 tackles
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