Slaying Dragons With the Heart - The Story of Richie Weker

          This week the Atlanta Falcons faced off against the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC Championship game.  While it was an enthralling football game by any account, the game itself was overshadowed by the inspirational story of 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick aka Richie Weker.  Richie stumbled onto the field drunk off of “God knows how many drinks,” and struggled to get going as a wide receiver.  He seemed out of it, his motor skill akin to those of a newly born and eyes as red as the devil’s dick.  In Richie’s words, “I go to the party and then… BOOM! It’s the next day.”  Saturday was that next day.  Alex Smith aka David Berk started the day as QB of the 49ers and after a less than stellar start, Richie took over.  It was at that moment that Richie realized the importance of the game and put his heart and soul into pushing his team to victory.  He completed 30 of 49 passes for 640 yards and six touchdowns, finishing the game with a 127.8 passer rating.  That’s the stuff that miracles are made of, kids.

            While Richie was the main story, there were some other key players in the game as well.  Sam Payette had his best game of the season on both sides of the ball, catching eight of Chuck’s passes for 305 yards and two touchdowns, deflecting three passes on defense and sacking Richie three times.  One of the biggest game changers was subbing Payette out of defense on the 49ers game-winning drive, which severely cut into the Falcons’ momentum.  When asked about his incredible performance, Payette replied, “It’s a contract year.  Call my number.” 

            Chuck had a good day through the air, completing 28/48 for 550 and three TD’s, but the Falcons’ offense often stalled in the red zone, scoring a points on 20% of drives that went within the 49ers’ 20-yard line.  He also turned the ball over three times, one of which was a beautiful interception caught by PS David Katz in which Katz tap-danced both feet in on the sideline in order to stay in bounds. 

            Another great story from the game was Zach Coleman who was Richie’s favorite target, snagging a frat football record 17 catches for 360 yards and four TD’s. 

             One of the lowlights of the game was Brandon Baron leaving the game with after being shut down by PS David Katz aka Revis Island on offense.  “I’m not having any fun,” complained Baron, so he left to play soccer.  No word has been released yet on the status of his inflamed vagina. 

            The receiving game was led by much of the same people as the last game.  Pfeff had 9 catches for 230 yards and one TD, Greenwald had six catches for 160 yards and added three more pass deflections on defense, Berk rebounded from being benched at QB early by recording seven catches for 185 yards, and newcomer Robbie had six cathches for 110 yards and one TD.  Meister Island continued his trend of dropped balls (three total), but came to the realization that he catches about 50% of the balls thrown to him, and thus he should be thrown to more often.  To his credit though, Meister did score two touchdowns and recorded eight more sacks on defense.

            Overall it was a great game and we should look forward to another thrilling matchup next week at the turf. 

AFC Title Game - Ravens @ Patriots

  This year’s AFC Title Game featured a heavyweight matchup between the Baltimore Ravens and the New England Patriots.  After a heated pregame debate regarding the use of the word “says” in the rock-paper-scissors game to decide who gets first pick, the two teams eventually settled their differences and picked teams.  Yet this momentary peace was short-lived as the Ravens controversially picked Jake “Meister Island” Meister over Aaron Hernandez (aka Sam Payette). 

           

More drama ensued when the teams could not come to a consensus on the size of the field or the rules of the game itself.  The debate raged on for what seemed like hours.  The ever-emotional Ray Lewis (aka David Berk) expressed his discontent with the entire process when he yelled, “Each and every one of you is the stupidest person I have ever met.”  Following this fierce display of emotion, members of both teams seemed somewhat frightened and immediately came to an agreement. 

            But once the game started, the Patriots took control.  David “Chuckles” Greenfield looked Brady-esque, completing 15 of 19 passes for 215 yards and six touchdowns, finishing the first half with near perfect 153.4 QBR.  Chuckles’ main targets were TE Sam Payette (5 catches, 65 yards, 2 TD), WR Ryan Goodstadt (5 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD), and WR Jason Pfeffer (3 catches, 60 yards, and 2 TD).  Sam Greenwald anchored the Pats’ D with 3 pass deflections and two more tackles. 

            It was a tale of two teams in the first half; the Patriots were running on all cylinders while the Ravens struggled to get going.  At the beginning of their first drive, Ravens QB Zach Coleman called out Meister Island for his lack of awareness: “Meister, you’re standing in the end-zone you retard.”  However the insults didn’t stop there.  Meister Island dropped four passes in the first half, and it seemed as though every time that he came near the ball the Patriots would yell, “SICK PICK!” as if to mock the Ravens for foolishly picking Meister Island over Payette. 

            The lone highlights for the Ravens in the first half were a stunning 25-yard touchdown run by Coleman and a SC Top 10 interception by Berk. 

            The score at the end of the first half:

            Patriots: 42

            Ravens: 7

            However, the second half told a different story.  Because the game was such a blowout, the two teams decided to wipe the slate clean for the second half and start a completely new game. 

            The Ravens took advantage of their second chance and came out strong.   They began to utilize their weapons on offense such as Torrey Smith (aka Brandon Baron), who caught five passes for 55 yards and a touchdown in the second half, yelling after every catch that he was “perfect” on the day. 

Meister Island was the biggest turn around story of the game.  After starting the game with an abysmal four drops, the Island focused more on his defensive talents, utilizing the “rogue blitz” to record seven sacks for a total loss of five yards. 

Yet the biggest story of the second half was the QB change from Coleman to Berk when the Ravens were down 28 – 21.  Berk led the Ravens offense with uncanny accuracy for a middle linebacker, completing 9 of 15 passes for 90 yards and three TDs.

The game came down to the wire, and it looked as though the Patriots were poised for another victory with the score tied at 35 and driving down the field.  But with perhaps the play of the game, Coleman intercepted Chuckles’ pass and had a breath-taking return to the Patriots 5-yard line.  The Patriots defense held strong for the first four downs, denying the Ravens at the goal-line, but on fourth down, Chuck got a severe leg-cramp, which not only crippled himself, but the entire Patriots defense.  On fifth down Berk completed a pass to Baron in the end-zone, Baron still screaming “I’M PERFECT!!”

Final score of the second game:

Patriots: 35

Ravens: 42

Post-game interviews revealed more about the players and each respective team:

Baron: “What it do, what it do.  I go to the gym erreday and it pays off. What it

do.”

Meister Island: “I started off slow, and I just needed some time to get going.  I decided to take a backseat on offense and step up on defense.  I’d also like to thank God.  I love him; he’s awesome.  When he looks down at me he really gets me, you know?”

Chuck: “I think we all know who the stronger team is… At the end of the day, some fluky stuff happened, and I think an asterisk should go next to that second game.”

Box Score:

Passing:

Patriots

            Chuck: 29/41, 480 yards 11 TD, 2 INT

           

Ravens

            Berk: 9/15, 105 yards 3 TD

Coleman: 15/31, 230 yards 4 TD, INT

           

Rushing:

Patriots:

Chuck: 1 carry, 10 yards

Ravens:

            Berk: 3 carries, 35 yards

            Coleman: 2 carries, 30 yards, TD

Receiving:

Patriots:

            Goodstadt: 11 catches, 210 yards, 3 TD

            Greenwald: 6 catches, 105 yards, 2 TD

            Payette: 8 catches, 100 yards, 2 TD

Pfeffer: 5 catches, 80 yards, 4 TD

Ravens:

            Baron: 6 catches, 75 yards, TD

            Berk: 4 catches, 45 yards

            Coleman: 4 catches, 70 yards, 2 TD

            Meister: 2 catches, 40 yards

            Ross: 8 catches, 115 yards, 3 TD

Defense:

Patriots:

            Chuck: 3.5 tackles

            Goodstadt: 9 tackles, INT

            Greenwald: 7 tackles, INT

            Payette: 8.5 tackles

Pfeffer: 8 tackles

Ravens:

Baron: 5 tackles

            Berk: 8 tackles, INT

            Coleman: 7 tackles, 2 INT

            Meister: 10 tackles

            Ross: 5 tackles